Special AGM Issue      Run 900    24 May 2009

The irregular newsletter of the Marlow Area Hash House Harriers

Colour supplement – print your own                                          Website:  www.marlowhhh.co.uk

Founded 1 September 1992 by Martin Bates                              Runs every Sunday

Mismanagement

Minutes of the 2008 AGM:

Last year’s AGM was held last year.  The meeting began when the GM called for disorder.  The minutes of the previous year’s meeting were approved.  Hash Cash reported that the accounts were not available for review, but that there was enough money to pay for the beer.  The mismanagement was erected.  Down downs were downed.  The meeting was closed but the bar remained open.

Note:  These minutes are identical, if not very similar, to those for previous years.  To save drinking time, it is proposed that these minutes be used next year, and, to save even more drinking time, in all subsequent years.  To save even more time, this resolution was approved unanimously before the meeting was held.

Hon Sex report

Hon Sex reported that having sex is like playing bridge.  If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.  But Hon Sex said there was not enough of it about, and claimed to have been short-changed.  This was denied by Hash Cash, who said he had never short-changed anyone in his life.  This was disapproved unanimously.  We are still looking for the Hon Sex.

Review of the year

There have been a number of house moves, and reports of vehicles running amok.  Some of these contained a driver at the time; others did not.  It was a similar story with the houses.  After a gap of some years, Marlow hashers have demonstrated that alcohol intake does not have a completely negative impact on fecundity.   Some Marlow hashers have been seen in an official incapacity outside Marlow.    Two Marlow hashers began to train dogs for a television contest, both of which developed an incapacity.  One involved a dog and the other concerned a hasher.  The weather has been largely clement.  Runs were held every Sunday, usually, but not always, set by a hare according to the hairline.  Most hashers are a year older than they were last year.  Some have passed milestones and been duly rewarded; others appear to be retrogressing and will shortly be charged with under-age drinking.  Some of those who passed milestones reported that the process was exceedingly painful.  The pterodactyl was replaced by a swan. 

But we have retained the old logo – rumoured to be the RA in his yoof –  for later use.  It was reported in the local press that hashers were mad; legal advice is being taken since this overstates the situation.  Gourmet food continues to be served on a weekly basis; chocolate fingers appear to be especially popular.  Beer consumption has been maintained, supporting the German economy in difficult times and leading to a surge in the value of the euro.  Visitors have appeared from time to time, some from far-flung parts of the world, like Wycombe.  Some hashers continue to regale us with crap jokes.  Marlow hash continues to support the vehicle repair industry, but the odd member has been working hard to reduce his carbon footprint.  And we have just managed to complete our 850^th run.  Not a bad year, really.

A true story

Scientists have completed the largest study of humour ever undertaken, and people around the world have been invited to judge jokes as well as to contribute quips of their own.  The project attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million votes.

Scientists claimed the joke which received the highest rating was:

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy gets out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”  The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. Are you sure he’s dead?”

"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?"

Scientists said the joke was interesting because it worked across many different countries and appealed to men and women and young and old alike.  People find jokes funny for lots of different reasons. They sometimes make us feel superior to others, reduce the emotional impact of anxiety-provoking situations or surprise us because of some kind of incongruity. The hunters joke contained all three elements.

But when the scientists questioned hashers, few found the joke amusing.   Scientists could not understand why most hashers thought the bloke with the mobile phone should have been shot. 

Scientists revealed wide humour differences between nations. Germans - renowned for their sense of humour - found just about everything funny. They did not express a strong preference for any type of joke, or indeed, any joke.  Scientists found that people from Ireland, the UK, Australia and New Zealand most enjoyed jokes with word plays, such as this one.  Patient: "Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum." Doctor: "I’ve got some cream for that!"  This had them rolling in the aisles.  Hashers wanted to know who stuck the strawberry up the patient’s bum in the first place, and what they were doing at the time.

Americans and Canadians preferred jokes where there was a strong sense of superiority - either because a character looks stupid or is made to look stupid. This was an example of American humour, as reported by a scientist:

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."   Texan: "OK, where are you from, arsehole?"  Hashers interviewed did not know what a preposition was, and wondered who had put the strawberry up the Harvard graduate’s bum.

Scientists found that residents of many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, liked surreal humour. Here is an example: An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."  Our RA said that dogs do not say woof – they say bow-wow.  Another hasher pointed out that woofters are not allowed on the hash.  And Hash Cash admitted he couldn’t count to nine anyway.

The scientist in charge of the survey said: "These results are really interesting. It suggests that people from different parts of the world have fundamentally different senses of humour, and that jokes containing 103 words are especially funny, particularly if they contain references to animals.  Jokes involving ducks are seen as funnier than other jokes.”  So here is a joke about scientists, ducks, and a vicar.

Two scientists and a vicar go duck shooting.  A big duck flies over.  Bang goes a gun.  Missed the bastard, said the first scientist.  My dear son, with language like that, you will upset the almighty, said the vicar.  Another duck flew past.  Another big bang.  Another “missed the bastard”, this time from the second scientist.  Another reference to the extreme sensitivity of the almighty from the vicar.  At this point, the skies blackened, the thunder rolled, a bolt of forked lightning came down from the heavens, and the vicar fell down dead.  “Missed the bastard”, said a booming voice from the sky.

This rib-tickling example of 21^st century humour contains exactly 103 words.  But scientists discovered that it was lost on the average hasher.  Only one hasher got the joke, and he hasn’t laughed so much since his Auntie Nellie got her tits stuck in the mangle.  Or a lady retrieved a backpack from the back of her car in Stokenchurch.  Ken.

Some hashers prefer visual humour. Here is an example of work practices at a shipyard opened by one of our former members, somewhere in the middle east.   Look closely.

Something about being thicker than a short plank.  Or shorter than a thick plank.

Scientists found that all hashers liked the following joke.  The rest of the world did not, for unknown reasons.  Here is the joke:

The three little pigs decide to go out for dinner.  They choose a nice restaurant, and are shown to their table.  The waiter comes to take their orders for the first course.  Soup of the day, said the first pig.  Brussels paté, said the second.  Beer, lots of beer, said the third.  The waiter takes orders for the main course.  Lamb casserole, said the first pig.  Leg of pork, said the second (for he was a cannibal).  Beer, lots of beer, said the third.  And then the desserts.  Tiramisu said the first pig.  Treacle sponge, said the second.  Beer, lots of beer, said the third.  The pigs finish their meal, and the waiter comes to the table.  Hope you enjoyed your meals, he said.  Sure, said the pigs, just perfect.  But, excuse me, said the waiter to the third pig, do you mind if I ask you why you just ordered beer, lots of beer?  Not at all, said the third pig.  Someone has to go wee wee wee all the way home.

Another True Story Also Involving a Scientist

Scientists have been looking at the most efficient way of setting a hash run, based on an analytic study of the least punishable increment(LPI). The LPI is defined as the smallest acceptable distance between two checks. Two metrics for the LPI were derived. The first metric was based on a generalised distance measure derived from the Hausdorff metric, and was used to differentiate between hashes set in the same area by different hares.  The second metric described a distance measure for hashes set by the same hare in the same area.  Meanwhile, a German scientist discovered a picture from the last AGM, which answered all the questions in one fell swoop.

 The above story was verified by a scientist, sent out to undertake further investigation into the German sense of humour.  When the scientist asked a hasher what he thought of the story (for it was a male hasher) he started to recite a well-known hash poem.  “Let’s talk about Fucking, because Fucking’s alright …..”  (to be continued)